I must admit, I’m a bit of an Owl City fan girl. Adam’s music speaks to me in a way other music doesn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, music is a huge part of my life, I played in the band in high school and college. I often feel music deeply, in fact it helps me feel things much better than almost anything else. I’ve had some near out-of-body experiences to music (I’ll write on those another time) but I’ve never known an artist whose music has hit me so deeply on such a consistent basis.
Anyway – the other day I was looking for new music by checking out artists marked “You may also like” on Apple Music. After several “I want to like your music, but just don’t” moments, I wandered over to Owl City’s page to check out the “You might also like” entries there. I had one of the best moments of my week to find there was a new Song of Adam’s I’d not hear or even heard of.
It started playing before I could take a breath and suddenly my breath was swept away. I listened to it at least a half-dozen times in a row. There were feels, overwhelming emotion, tears both sadness and joy at the same time.
The song has become a staple in my life already. And then… there is always an “and then” in my stories… I looked up the song to learn more about it and discovered it’s a cover of a song from the Broadway musical “Dear Evan Hansen.” The writers said they pitched the music and story in part by saying Owl City was playing on the radio in Evan’s room.
So I sit here waiting out a 3 hour delay for a flight to my home away from home… and I’m looking out the window listening to the lyrics.
“We start with Stars in our eyes…” We have starts in our eyes, and in our soul. But what has been sticking in my mind is:
“When you’re falling in a forest and there’s nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?”
It’s the same question I’ve been asking myself – does the world know I exist or even care? If I shouldn’t exist, if I’m impossible, doesit even matter that I exist?
If there’s nobody that really experiences me as who I am, do I really exist?
I feel like I’m waving through a window to the world, and almost nobody sees me.
How is it that Adam knows what I’m feeling, even if he’s not writing the words?
I am a Unicorn.
A creature who doesn’t exist,
so rare nobody has ever seen one.
That makes me invisible and unavoidable.
Probability says each part of me is improbable on its own,
adding them all together makes for impossibility beyond measure.
A million, billion impossibilities rolled into one.
I shouldn’t exist.
Therefore I don’t exist.
Yet here I am.
People see me,
though I don’t feel real,
I am not real.
I am someone else.
Hiding in plain sight.
A shell for others to see,
they look through me hidden inside as if I’m not there,
because I’m not.